Silence is too loud

Yeah, I know. No updates. For shame. I have a good excuse for my lack of posts however.

• I'm lazy
• Life has been boring
• I'm lazy
• I purchased www.deadtaco.com, where I'll be moving all my cool stuff (it's not active yet...)

So what's exciting right now? Not much, except for the fact that Scientologists sent me an invitation to learn the ways of the Xenu. There is nothing quite as entertaining as receiving an advert from the Scientologists. However, I have to admit that I was a little disappointed at the fact that it was signed by a Tom Crall and not Tom Cruise. They could have at least enticed me with the thought of meeting a national nutjob.

I have my final Dr's appointment today to figure out what's new with my bionic wrists. My left wrist has been frozen in the karate-chop position since the accident, but the other day while playing video games, there was a loud 'snap!' and my wrists can now move. Go figure.

Oh, the only other exciting thing that happened was that a dozen ninjas stormed my house around midnight, but I pulled out my samurai sword and took them all out. I was totally cool, and I let one of them live so he could tell his master to stop sending ninjas over to assassinate me. I hate those guys.

Ok, moving on. Watch for the DeadTaco website, which should be up and running sometime this week. It'll blow your socks off and get you all steamy. Hooray!

DeadTaco is Broken

So the question on everyone's mind is - Where has DeadTaco been!? It's either that or 'How many spiders do I accidently eat in my sleep?'

Well, to put it simply, I was injured during a scientific experiment. My fellow engineers and I were wondering if gravity was still accelerating objects at 9.8 meters per second. We pondered it for awhile, and we suddenly were inspired by a rope hanging from a tree.

"Look there, my fellow science explorers!" blurted my co-worker.
"Alas, we have a way to test our theory! Brilliant!" blurted I.

Hanging from a tree about 50 feet up was a nice thick rope. It dangled over the edge of a cliff along the shore of a nearby lake. Using the peak of my intelligence, I grabbed the rope with my bare hands and began to swing.

"Here here! Gravity appears to be working!" I yelled.
"Brilliant! Now it's time to test the acceleration of this invisible force!" yelled my co-workers.

I realized at this point that my hands were getting raw from holding onto the rope during this event. I figured it would make much more sense to wear work gloves while swinging. A co-worker supplied the needed manly gloves. I put them on and prepared the final experiment.

"Let us begin the final test!" I yelled.

I grabbed the rope, walked backwards with it in hand so I could gain extra acceleration, and began my push forward. Up into the air I went, soaring like an eagle. It was at this point that I realized the rope was no longer in hand. In fact, I really was soaring like an eagle, flapping my arms like wings. Our theory was correct - gravity was indeed still working at an acceleration rate of 9.8 meters per second. I had time to count on the way down, as well as ponder the possible outcome of falling 50 feet straight down. My thought process went something like this:

"Yes! We have proven our theory correct! Wait a second...Oh crap, this can't be good. Oh man...OH MAN...OH SHIIIIIIIIII *splat*"

Well, to make a VERY long story short, I ended up with two broken wrists, a cracked rib, a broken shoulder, a deeply sliced knee, a cut up face, and a mouth full of sand. If you want to see the sequence of events (plus pictures that my boss took while I was falling) then you can read about it at my forums here: OUCH!

Ok, so I kinda skewed the story a little. It was more like "Hey check it out! A cool rope swing! Let's be unintelligent idiots and swing from it!" You still get the picture.

Watching the grass grow

So I lead a boring life, and nothing exciting has happened lately. To give you an idea of how exciting things have been, I put up new curtains last night, I built a new rock wall in my front yard, and I forgot to take out the trash.

About the only exciting thing that's happened was paying $50 in gas yesterday. Now, I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm about ready to run around with a picket sign titled "More blood for oil!"

At least I don't have to hear the hippies that used to always say "Hey, at least you don't have to fill up your gas tank with orange juice! Imagine spending 2 dollars a gallon!" Well I say "Bring out the orange-juice guzzling engines!" Jerks.

So anyway, I have a road trip this weekend, so I'll be happily forking out $75 for a full tank of gas somewhere along the way. Well, at least my power meter is broken and I only spend 14 cents a month in power. That makes up for it....muahahaha.

Road Rage

Well, this last Sunday was rather interesting.

My wife and I decided we needed to go to Home Depot to pick up a few things. We got to the parking-lot turn-in in my wife's car, and she was signalling to make a right turn into the parking lot from the roadway. There was a pedestrian crossing the road, so she had to wait for him to get out of the way before she could continue.

When it was clear, she started making a right turn just as the guy in a beat-up white sedan behind her tried darting around her in the bike lane. She nearly side-swiped him, so she honked and threw her arms in the air. The guy in the white sedan promptly flipped us off. We left it at that - we don't sink to that level.

We pulled into the parking lot and parked, and this overweight short guy with no neck and a kid about 12 years old comes walking towards us. A conversation starts:

Fat Guy: "Maybe you should f*cking move next time instead of sitting there!"
Wife: "I couldn't move because there was a Ped in front of me."
Fat Guy: "A what!?"
Wife: "A PEDESTRIAN!"

Blank stare on Fat Guy's face. Couple of blinks. Apparently he has no idea what a 'pedestrian' is.

Fat Guy: "Stupid f*cking bitch."

The guy turns and starts walking towards Home Depot in front of us. He turns to us and says "I'd never hit a woman, but I'll f*cking knock your boyfriend on his ass."

I suddenly had a flashback that I was back in high school, and this is that fat bully in the corner who eats the heads off Barbie dolls during English class. It was obvious that this middle-aged fat man had the mental capacity he had back in 9th grade.

Now, I have to admit that a part of me wanted him to turn around so I could pummel him, but instead, the only thing that came out of my mouth was "Oh give me a break. Grow up." The guy didn't say anything after that. He just kept walking with his 12 year old son alongside him. I can tell that this is the model father right here. I know his son will be the next barbie-doll eating maniac in highschool, if he's not already. Of course, somehow I doubt that the kid will even make it to high school.

June 28, 2005 -
White Trash and K-Mart

Sometimes at lunch, I like to leave the office and go out to eat. The problem is that there's no really good places nearby, so I'll sometimes go over to the local K-Mart and grab some snacks, then sit back in the shade of a tree in my truck and listen to the radio. The patrons of this particular K-Mart look like a cross between baboons and Cletus from the Simpsons, and that's just the women.

Now, the K-Mart that I go to has an abnormally large parking lot that is about 90% empty, so I'll park way out in the back where there is absolutely nobody around. I can sit back and relax without being disturbed -- until today.

There I am, enjoying my barbecue flavored Pringles and a cherry Coke, when I hear this rumbling. I'm leaning back in my seat without a care in the world, so I didn't notice the jacked-up rusted Ford pickup truck pulling in next to me.

Apparently, the shade from the tree I was enjoying was providing a little shade to the spot next to me, and Bubba here figured he'd park in it. There are probably 10,000 other parking spots hundreds of feet away, but this jackass decides to be my shade buddy.

I figure what the hell, I'll just go back to reading my Calvin and Hobbes comic book and ignore him. Not so easy. Bubba rolls down his window and jacks up his radio with some redneck twangy country music crap that rattles my windows. Calvin and Hobbes suddenly don't seem so funny.

Now, you've gotta ask yourself, what the hell is this guy thinking? Is he trying to start some sort of music showdown? The guy looks like he just crawled out of the bayou, and he obviously has no sense of personal space. Of course, I have no sense of courtesy in a situation like this. I rolled down my window, put in some Metallica, and jacked it all the way up. I gave hickboy a little "hello" wave and went back to reading Calvin and Hobbes. Bubba didn't seem to like this, so he drove away after a mere 30 seconds.

Barbecue Pringles are good.

June 27, 2005 -
The Day the Toilet Stood Still

Feeling: Like a hung-over Hollywood actor
Song: A spoon hitting a frying pan
Wearing: A purple Moo-Moo and pearl necklace

So, this last weekend was rather exciting. When I say exciting, I mean horrible and wrought with writhing pain. It all started with a trip to the local Italian restaurant with the wife. It's all good food, and we eat there often. However, this was a day that was destined to rule my weekend.

I got home feeling a little 'off'. I sat down on the couch thinking that something wasn't right. About 30 minutes later, I could have sworn I was in a scene from Aliens, and something was about to come shooting out of my ribcage and run down the hallway chasing my cat.

To my despair, it didn't come shooting out of my stomach. Instead, after a mad dash to the toilet, it came shooting out of my ass. I could hear its screams (maybe they were my screams, it's a bit of a blur) and it flew into the stagnant water below. It exploded upon impact with the water, and it tried reaching back up to grab me.

The smell was horrid - a mix between rotting, maggot-infested flesh and a Vietnamese prostitute's ass after dirty butt-sex. After it was all over, I felt as though I'd lost a large part of my entrails. After a quick investigation of the waters below, I was relieved to find that the invader had dissolved into a brown, ominous goo and no intestines were to be found.

Of course, after throwing a few large wads of soiled toiletpaper into the bowl and flushing, the brown waters of doom refused to journey onward. They rose to the rim of the toilet while keeping me in suspense, wondering if it would overflow or not. I got lucky, and it settled just below the rim. I got out my trusty plunger and pushed the beast back down the tunnel to hell.

I finished my business and walked out of the bathroom. I couldn't sit down for at least ten minutes as my ass recovered from the horrible endeavor it had undertaken. The worst part of it all is that the alien apparently had babies, because I ended back up in the bathroom about three more times that day - each time as bad as the first.

That's about the extent of my weekend. As you can see, I lead a very exciting life.

June 24, 2005

Song: E=MC Hawking
Feeling: Like a cow that was run over by a freight train

I've joined the geek side and made a blog. Commence array of bullets in my general direction.
You'll notice that the dates of the first couple of blogs don't match the actual blog dates. That's because these blogs were initially posted on another site and moved here recently.

So...uh, ok...I have nothing to write about today. I'm at work, early in the morning, working on a new computer for a new employee and setting it up with AutoCAD and crap. Man, this is exciting. Ok, I'm bored stiff and about to fall asleep, but at least I've still got my eyes open...or do I?